Too much thinking for Annie.

I thought i told you to stop snooping on a tumblr that I haven’t written on for 3 something years (bit of an over exaggeration here). Now you have forced me to write something that will some how distract you from reading the rest of my old posts since I’m way too lazy to delete my past hormonal stupid posts. There’s nothing in here but posts about how much i love you, how much i care, and my stupid mind stuff. If you’re reading my old posts just so you can feel some kind of happy corny feeling… then you’re weird. You better NOT JONATHAN!! kk i love you! text me when you read this :)

21st October 2011

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a bit pissed…

I’m not really sure if this is the “needy” side of me or the “fuck that i ain’t needy this asshole makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me” side of me, but boy do I feel like crap.

“Can I call you?”

“No.”

“Why?…”

“Everyone here is awake and they can hear.”

THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT.

It’s fine that you do your own thing, ya I’m okay with it, but when you won’t even call or you won’t even let me call to hear your voice, to talk to you, to relieve you of your fucking day does that make ME the fucking stupid ass girlfriend or does that make you the stupid ass boyfriend.

I’ve been going out with your ass for two fucking years, what makes it alright for you to not comply to a simple favor as to let your damn girlfriend speak to you.

You don’t know what I go through every fucking day, sir you have no fucking clue. Why? Because you never ask, never figured, never bothered. So I’m sitting here thinking “man this relationship sucks.” I know where this is going to lead to. Me suggesting a break up, me thinking and saying it but never going through it. But the problem is even if you know the problem or the truth there’s not going to be a god damn change. Great so now i’m stuck over here thinking “shit I’m fucking stuck.”

18th August 2011

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I’m tired.

Vomit.

Is that how you live everyday? Just vomiting and vomiting and vomiting. I know you dont mean to do it. I know you hate the fact that you are vomiting and I cant help the fact that I’m complaining. When I heard that you had stage one of cancer I was told that it was nothing serious nothing severe that you can live through it. But look at you now, how awful you look, how your just skin and bones and how you dont fit in your clothes anymore. Are you ever my dad? Or is he dead already?!

Fuck you cancer I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Today my teacher told us some statistics. Every minute someone is dying from cancer. Is my dad gonna be part of that damn statistic. I’m so fucking angry at the fact that I can’t do shit but just look and hear and see what he’s going through. Vomiting and vomiting and vomiting every fucking minute.

18th August 2011

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and so he says…

“Did you call me back or was I just dreaming?”

“I did call you back, you were just too sleepy to talk so I let you go. I said I loved you but you didn’t say it back… so yeah.”

“Oh well you should know by now that I do love you.”

“Are we at that point of relationship where we don’t have to say “I love you” cus we know it already?”

“No, I know you love me as much as I love you but I love telling that I love you.”

“Really?! Me too!”

“Jeez I loveeeee youuuuu!!”

=] Happy 6 months boyfriend.lover.baby.babe.honeybaby.

18th August 2011

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I’m still on that “If your nice to the world, then the world will be nice to you” concept.

Today I realized that there is no cure for cancer.

Me realizing that today is REALLY stupid. I KNOW, but I think the fact has always been in the back of my mind.

Cancer is a pain in the ass. A traitor. An unwanted guest. The shit that makes people (patients/family/friends) think “fuck, this is what i get for… blah blah blah.” Something that beats people up, or make people beat them selves up. Cancer is the most horrible thing that a person can encounter.

For the past three days the thought of cancer has been slowly creeping up my mind. And like it’s job to make people miserable, it did a good job making me tear up when I started thinking about my dad laying down on a hospital bed.

It all started when I was shopping at target three days ago. I was looking through the “NEW” dvd season aisle. The first DVD I laid eyes on was the Big C title. Then I remembered, “oh yeah that’s the show about the lady who has cancer… I think.” Then I walk away. On the same day, I’m having a conversation with my boyfriend’s mom about Victoria Secret sales. While this was going on, I hear cancer from the TV. She was watching the news on channel 7. They found a cure for cancer, the news caster says. 75% of my attention was on the TV the other 25% was trying to focus on how I can make my face look as if I was paying attention to my boyfriend’s mom. News cancer says “cure for skin cancer,” and I think… it’s not good enough. The next day I’m trying to finish Grey’s Anatomy on netflix and the episode I happened to be on was about how Izzy Stevens was treating her cancer. That was when the thought of not having a cure for cancer started forming. Then this morning I looked at my dad, how worried he looked when he saw me crying over my back pain. Then I thought, “oh shit this is nothing compared to his pain isn’t it?”

There is no cure for cancer. You can only treat it. You can make them smaller, you can make them decrease, you can only delay the worst. You can escape the most painful part of cancer, but cancer will always be there. They are the closest thing to you.

SOME say the only cure is to HOPE. To pray. To wait for a miracle. The problem is, I don’t think I know how to hope for something. If I went online and googled “How to hope” you think it will teach me. Maybe it’s all my fault because I don’t know how to hope for anything. Or maybe I don’t want to hope for something or to pray or to hope AND pray for a miracle. Maybe I have been hoping for so much that I don’t even know that I was doing it.

I wish I didn’t realize that there was no cure for cancer. I don’t think my mother knows, or my brothers. I feel like, I’m the only one who knows. I think my dad knows, he just doesn’t want people around him to know. I REALLY HATE THAT I KNOW ABOUT IT.

12th July 2011

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